I went to class as I’m (for now) in the habit of doing. I sat in my seat and watched as people came in, one by one. My professor sat down and cracked open a small book and started class by reading a prayer – one that spoke to my heart so beautifully with every word.
“Teach me, O God, not to torture myself, not to make a martyr out of myself through stifling reflection, but rather teach me to breathe deeply in faith.”
I’d never heard something that pinned me so well.
You might’ve noticed I haven’t been here in a while (and trust me, with an uplifted spirit, new glasses, and a red tint to my hair, I’m glad to be back). Part of staying quiet was just not being able to discern what God wanted me to write about, being that I was learning so much and healing so intently that I couldn’t imagine where to begin. Most of it was because I needed the quiet to process and heal.
If I’ve learned anything about myself over the past few months, it’s that my mind is all kinds of screwed up. I can start with a thought and five minutes later I’m completely anxious and nearly shaken at the made-up scenarios and thoughts in my head.
Sometimes God has to even remind me that it’s okay to be joyful in the good things He’s provided. I’m an over-thinker, vulnerable to confusion and disorder in this mind that’s constantly spinning. The Anxiety is real and comes with a mission.
It’s so wonderful how God works in the most personal ways. This prayer, probably randomly chosen by my professor this morning, spoke to my situation and my healing process that I’m currently in – and perfectly matches the phrase God’s written on my heart for this season of life.
Breathe in My blessing. Breathe out My praise.
Accept His blessing and make Him known for it. To glorify Him, I must first acknowledge what He’s given and accept it as a gift.
That’s hard for me.
I guess what I’ve been mostly wrestling with these past few weeks is the idea of being blessed with a gift from God that I’ve been waiting for. I’ve had my desires match up with God’s plenty of times, just never in this capacity. Following what I want, even when it’s what God wants, sometimes feels selfish, like trusting myself, and too good to be true.
It’s in the moments when I believe those lies in my soul that I question my intentions and why God would ever want what I want.
You are probably thinking, “that sounds completely screwed up,” to which I would completely agree. Herein lies the problem.
He’s constantly showing up and calming my heart. Healing me each day at a time, I’m seeing clearer and walking in more confidence. He’s faithful to speak truth to me again and again, even when I’m doubting Him and His goodness over and over. I doubt His willingness and desire to bless me with good things, and there He is again blessing me even more. He’s helping me to remember that it’s not about what I’ve done but who He is.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
Isaiah 30:18, emphasis mine
Can I just say what a beautiful Father we have? I’m constantly amazed. I don’t know if anyone else deals with this struggle like I do, but it was on my heart to share. If you’re with me on this, I hope you’re encouraged today that He wants to bless us far past what we’d ever begin to feel worthy of.
Maybe you don’t deal with this particular struggle, but still face The Anxiety in other ways.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below! What verses do you cling to when The Anxiety hits? Do you struggle with the idea of blessing?