What 19 Means

In less than a month I’ll no longer be a teenager and will slip into my twenties. No big deal. Except I’m freaking out.

It feels like the end of something I can never get back, and that it is. Like high school or the days of counting my age on only two hands or even the once-full coffee cup from this morning with just the right amount of strength.

I have a tendency to document things. And yeah, it’s helpful down the road so I guess it’s not too bad of a thing. But since this thing called My Teens is reaching its end, I’m going to document for you just what 19 means for me, in case you forgot (and are going to look back with either gladness that you’re not where I am anymore or- let’s face it- the same feeling I get when I remember being 5 and happy) or in case you’re not here yet and need a heads up.

Disclaimer: I’m strange. And what I mean by that is that I’m 19 and a senior in college. So all these things may not hold true for all you normal humans.

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19 is messy.

It’s a time full of so many decisions that you can’t keep your head straight but feeling like you have to because there’s so many people watching.

19 has the beginnings of binding obligations but the beginnings of freedom. The strings attached from parents are slowly loosened as the strings of responsibility are tightened all too quickly.

19 climbs buildings.

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19 is being a kid by “you’re way too young to get married and don’t you dare think about it” and being an adult by “you’re 19 years old, go buy your own toothpaste.”

19 has a hard time making decisions and isn’t really sure what the future holds.

19 has learned more about God and has grown closer than what seemed possible but has found there’s so much more of that to do.

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19 is falling on your face in front of hundreds of people and being okay with it because it’ll be a good memory.

19 watches Harry Potter in the dark on hard days and good ones because well, ya can.

19 has a hard time picturing anything further than a week in the future, but also has a hard time staying in the now.

19 wants to run and hide, but also to be seen and known.10704031_10204614954362777_5772752377179102421_n

19 wishes she was 5 all the time.

19 still watches Princess Diaries on VHS.

19 has learned that she can use what she’s learned in her years to help 16 and has learned that sometimes 22 can even help 19.

19 has two homes and has grown to love them both the same.

19 is sleeping in every chance you get because you never know when it’ll be that dreadful day called First Day of Real Life.

19 still wears footie PJs on Christmas.

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19 should probably read more.

19 is waking up looking like death but being able to change that in a whopping 3 minutes – maybe even on the way to class.

19 drinks a whole lot of caffeine and sometimes loses count for the day.

19 says a lot of hard see-ya-laters but fears there are harder ones to come.

19 is easier than 15 because you can drive yourself around, but harder because #collegebudget.

19 walks around campus just for the reminder of blessing.

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19’s hardest question of the day can be “which coffee shop?”, “what is my purpose?”, or anything in between. (Sometimes, by the way, they’re equally as difficult.)

19 hates sharing a laundry room with a whole building of girls.

19 is showing up 30 minutes early to everything because of nerves. Except for class, that is.

19 is going to bed at 9:30 because you can but occasionally staying out until 2 because you can.

19 is having all your favorites cover your dorm room desk.

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19 itches to use what’s learned in class on a real social media account.

19 is the beginning of something – I can feel it. And that something is great, because it’s got the name of Jesus written all over it.

So here’s to 19 and to the teenage years I’ve lived as an 80-year-old woman. And here’s to being okay with that and being thankful that in my twenties I can do it all over again.

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